Ever have one of those days, where everything seemed to go wrong? Where everything you touched seemed to turn to garden compost? Just when you think something can’t possibly get any worse, the universe takes up the challenge and drops an almighty dump on you.
There are times when the the daily grind seems to be grinding into your very soul. The universe’s sense of timing is exquisite. To know that you started out pushing a pebble up a steep incline as the size and the weight increase exponentially is sole destroying. What do you do? Give in, give up?
You know you can’t rest because if you do, you and the rock are on the express train to the bottom.This is how things can look to someone who has multiple mental health AND/OR physical disabilities . For some, either battle on its own is frightening. And for those who have battled both at one time or another, the world is full of pitfalls. Every door hides a massive boogieman either keeping you out or keeping you in. Prejudice is rife either real or imagined. You become a target for criticism and abuse even from those who claim to know better. Some of this comes from the boogie man inside you.
Now imagine, you have 3 or 4 conditions which you juggle all the time. You don’t know which is making you scream inside but in the end, does it really matter.? You swallow the tears, ignore the shaking. Make a witty joke about the tremor in your hands,and smile THAT smile. You know the one, the one that hides the pain.
You put on your mental armour, keep going, one step at a time. Keep going. Stay focused, boogie man’ll get you if you stop. You can’t run any faster because the rock ur pushing is now much bigger and you are losing momentum. You push harder.
Then the boogie man is on the inside. Replaying all the things you have thought all your life of yourself. The things you knew must be true or things would be different. He’s clever, the boogie man, he knows which button to push. And he isn’t going to stop pushing until you give in.
Inside, the boogie man hears the comments made by others and gathers these gems. Just when you are the weakest, he hurls them at your soul. Although these comments are said with a smile, it might as well be poison dart. But you can’t let anyone know you are bleeding from the thousands of tiny paper cuts. Each one deeper than the last. The grin on your face becomes the mask you show to the outside. You can’t let anyone know you are haunted by your self doubt. That’s when the boogie man strikes! He tells you they truly believe you are not good enough. You are alone. Destined to be by yourself because you are a fake.
Then the boogieman changes the attack and the jibes about not being good enough have changed to poison darts of you’re not broken enough. The damage done by the boogie man inside your head is made much worse by the hypocrisy of the demons possessing the people you should be able to trust. And you are once again the child living a past you have very little memory of. Your physical pain makes you want to curl into a ball. Your heart is breaking but Your not broken enough. You long to be like the child you once were, smiling and carefree but the nightmares say these are constructs of a fairytale hiding the truth.
You have always tried to be matter of fact about the sexual and emotional abuse, the neglect that forged your armour. Armour that hides the fact you lived the most productive years of your life in fear. The fear of being found out. You didn’t know when you ran away from your home, you were running to the place you feared the most. The place called alone.
And the only thing you hear is the laughing of the boogie man.
The Klockwork Raven 